Death…

My grandma has been on the brink of death for the last couple of weeks. She’s been in the hospital and slowly but surely her health has been deteriorating. everything was slowly breaking down inside her body. most of these things didnt even register on the little machine w/ her vital signs that we frantically stared at while hoping for some kind of miraculous improvement. Of course, as could be expected w/ a 92 year old woman, that miraculous improvement never came. instead, things got worse and worse until tueday when the doctors told us that she didnt have a chance of lasting another day.

that day was awful. it was excruciating being in her hospital room, watching her lay there gasping for breath, and knowing that at any minute it could be the end. several of her other relatives came by to see her that day, and it was heart-wrenching to see the looks on their faces when they saw what my grandma had been reduced to. everybody braced themselves, each second afraid that the moment would come right at that time. i’ve never seen a dead person before. no one really close to me had died yet. in fact, i’ve never even been to a funeral or even to a cemetery. i kept thinking that i hoped i wouldnt be there in the room when it actually happened. i didnt think i could handle actually seeing it.

after a long hard day at the hospital, i finally went home. the next morning at 7am, i was woken up by the ringing of my cell and my cousin’s crying on the other line. my grandma had just passed away. my heart sank. it was the moment i had been expecting for a while, and yet still when it happened, it was devastating. An hour later i met my relatives at the hospital. a sea of red puffy eyes and looks of sorrow. at that point my mom said i should go to my grandma’s hospital room to “say goodbye” or whatever. as i walked down the hall with my mom, my mind raced “should i do this? should i just say i can’t? can i handle this?? oh my god. fuck. fuck. fuck.”

so i did it. i went in the room. everything was just as horrible as i could expect. the little vital signs monitor that i has spent countless hours staring at was now blank and unplugged. the respirator, iv, and all the other random tubes and gadgets that i had gotten accustomed to surrounding my grandma had all been disconnected. it was awful seeing her. fucking terrible. that image is still haunting me as i write this and i’m sure i’ll be able to see it crystal clear for years to come. looking back on it, i’m still not sure if it was the right thing for me to go in there. sigh…

seeing as my parents and my cousin’s parents were a complete and utter wreck at this point, it was up to my cousin and i to take care of everything now. we spent the rest of the day visiting funeral homes, the cemetery, etc finding out prices and trying to get as much information as we could so our parents would have to put in as little time as possible to make the arrangements. i’ve never been to a cemetery before, but after the grueling morning, going to a cemetery now seemed like nothing.

the guy who we talked to about buying a grave plot was upbeat and cheery. too upbeat. too cheery. i wanted to fucking punch his face in. his happy mood was a stark contrast to how my cousin and i were feeling and i really wished he could have toned it down a notch. not that i blame him. nor do i blame all the people working at the funeral homes who spend their day cracking jokes and giggling to each other. nor do i blame the nurses working in critical care who chat w/ each other and laugh about emails they receive. it’s a job. you cant expect these people to show up to their jobs day in and day out and be solemn all the time. but still, it was really annoying.

dying isn’t cheap. i’ve always heard before that funeral costs etc were pretty high, and that it’s important to save tons of money for that kind of thing. but i never realized just how much it is altogether. our arrangements ended up being slightly less expensive than they could have. for one thing, we didnt rent a funeral home in the end and opted for a graveside ceremony instead (for religious reasons). also, we got the absolute cheapest casket there is, since jews are supposed to be buried in a undecorated plain wooden casket w/ no metal. despite these savings, altogether this is going to run our parents $15,000. yes, that’s right. fifteen *thousand* dollars. death is a booming industry. so lucrative. it’s disgusting that people make so much money off it. it’s disgusting that the people you talk to try to wheel and deal and sucker you into spending money on extra little this-and-thats during your most horrible hours. what the fuck is wrong w/ them???

yesterday was probably one of the most exhausting days of my life. when i got home i was absolutely and completely drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. tomorrow i get to go to the funeral. *sigh*. there’s probably a ton more i could write about yesterday. i feel like so much happened. but i’m just too tired to write any more….

-v