Year: 2003

saturday evening, in between hospital visits i went to Li’s party. I didnt have that great of a time given the circumstances, but the party itself was pretty cool. his house has a 4 foot half pipe in front of it. the plan for the night was that after people who knew how to skate got to ride the ramp, a bunch of people who had never skated a ramp before would go for it. now, 4 feet really doesnt seem like that high. practically nothing right?? well, when you stand at the top of the ramp, all of a sudden the 4 feet seem like a loooooong way down. io had been contemplating riding the ramp before, but once i got to the party i really wasnt feeling it. if i was gonna bail big time on a ramp, i’d rather do it someday by myself without a huge crowd watching. of course, i spent the next several hours being harassed by everyone and pressured to just go for it. after a while i started to think that i better try it. why not? what’s the worst that could happen? well, the worst did end up happening, but luckily not to me. after 3 people unsuccessfully tried to ride the ramp, mike kubo tried to ride it and ended up w/ a compound fracture in his ankle. several people had to rush him to the hospital and early the next morning he got surgery. yikes! after the happened, i was pretty glad that i didnt try to ride the ramp obviously…

here are a few photos and a couple of videos from that night… click (and yes, i do realize that the last one is sideways. but i dont know how to fix that.)
-v

i didnt particularly feel like writing anything on this topic, but i figure that at some point later i’d want to remember, so i may as well log it in the journal. my grandma is in the hospital. she’s been there since last sunday, and the doctors all insist that her chances of making it are slim to none. i finally went to go see her saturday during the afternoon. i really dont think i was nearly prepared for everything that i saw. it was just utterly horrible to see someone, who i’ve cared about my whole life, in that kind of condition. it just seems so disgusting and wrong that someone who has been such a loving mother to her children and a caring grandmother could end up in such a condition. but i guess that’s the kind of fate we are all in for. my grandma is 90 some odd years old now, and time has it’s way of working on people. my family has been rotating shifts watching her at all times. my poor dad and aunt especially have spent countless hours in the hospital watching over my grandma. that night, i finally took a shift from midnight to 9am. let me tell ya. it wasn’t very fun. when you’re at home, at least you can sort of try to push things like this to the back of your mind… but when you’re there, there’s hardly anything else you can think off. *sigh*

-v

i finally decided to open my mail. i think i’ve only opened like 3 or 4 pieces of mail since i got back from thailand 4 and a half months ago. the stack has been growing and growing and was up to 82 various bills, late fees, parking tickets, bank statements, and other shite. it was a serious pain in the ass to go through all of it, but thank god i went through it when i did! amongst other stuff, i found:

my insurance card which i’ll need for tomorrows doctor’s appt.
a letter notifying me of a court date next week that i didnt know about.
a final “last 10 days notice” to pay ucsf medical before they report me to collections.

what perfect timing. if i had waited any longer to open my mail, i would have been hellza screwed!

-v

when i first moved to SF just over a year ago, i was so excited to be living here. i totally wanted to take in everything that the city had to offer. i was constantly digging through different websites trying to find new bars to visit, new restaurants to eat at, and events to go to. the city was was full of surprises and new things to explore. as time went on however, i started exploring less and less and became content to just get stuck in a routine and do the same things over and over. i’ve eaten at the places near my house probably a billion times now. when i need something to do for fun i usually resort to going to a weekly i’ve already attended or checking the same old bars i’ve gone to in the past.

i think i really need to start exploring again. SF has so much to offer. there is constantly something new and exciting going on. galleries are showing new art collections, movie theaters are playing new hard to find indie films, plays that i’ve never seen before are coming to town, and random spontaneous events are springing up everywhere. gotta start taking advantage of it all…

caryn flew away today to hawaii. she’s gonna be gone for 2 months. *sigh*.

it’s gonna be rough not seeing her for that long. but, despite everything, i’m hella glad that she gets a chance to do something fun and exciting like working in a tropical paradise. it’s funny how when you *really* love someone, you totally want what’s best for them, even if it sucks for you. i think it’s pretty damn cool that humans are capable of feeling that way.

-v

the other night i watched the movie “adaptation”. I really liked this movie for a variety of reasons and on many different levels. one of the things that really struck me about this movie was the thoughts that one of the characters, susan orlean, has about passion. susan is writing a book about orchids and is endlessly fascinated with how passionately some people feel about them. she confesses that in her life there is really nothing that she herself feels passionately about. she totally yearns to be able to actually feel passionately about something. it amazes her that there are people out there who will do virtually anything in order to acquire one of these rare plants and wishes that she too could have something in her life that she felt so strongly about.

in a lot of ways i can totally relate to that feeling. i often wonder if i’m really getting what i want out of life. of course, the only way to know if i’m getting what i want, is to actually know just what is it that i want. and that’s the problem. i really dont know. i mean, sure, there are some things i kinda want. i have a variety of interests in different things.. and some of these things i get interested in for long periods of time, while others i can get interested only for a few days. i’m kinda into mountain biking, i (used to) collect records, i’m interested in art…. but i dont think i could really say that i’m very *passionate* about any of these things. i like my job, and in a lot of ways it can be pretty fun at times…. but i can’t say i *really really* love it.

i couldn’t really say that i’m passionate about pretty much anything. and honestly, i’m pretty bummed about that. i really wish i had something that i was *intensely* interested in. something that i would constantly be excited about. i feel like everything that i do in my life ends up being a sort of half-assed attempt at it. i guess the one thing that i could say i really do feel very excited and passionate about is traveling. unfortunately traveling is something that i can only do once in a blue moon. at most i can take a long trip somewhere once a year… and even that probably isn’t too good of an idea. i really don’t know how my job will feel about me asking for 6 weeks off this winter. what if they say no? and i’m stuck here?

so where does this leave me?? pretty much nowhere. like susan in the movie.. i want to feel passionately about something, but what can i do?? you can’t make yourself be excited about something. it’s not something you can just decide to just change in your life. either it’s there or it’s not.